Category Archives: failure

Honoring Dignity until the End

I learned after my husband had his stroke how important it is as a caregiver to respect the dignity of the person you are caring for. My husband was still the amazing person I fell in love with—strong-willed, take charge, and unwilling to suffer fools. The challenges he faced after his stroke were often at odds with the traits I admired about him and that led to struggle for both of us. I had to learn ways to honor the man who was used to being in charge while we both adjusted to him not being able to be in charge the way he used to be.

I messed up all the time. One thing I never did stop doing that drove him nuts was using the word “remember.” His memory took a serious hit with the stroke and he hated that he couldn’t remember many things. Even though I knew that, I defaulted often to saying things like, “Remember, your OT said to always start putting your shirt on with the weak arm first.” I could have said the sentence without “remember” at the beginning and it wouldn’t have bothered him, but I forgot that more often than not and it irked him. Sometimes he would snap, “No, I don’t remember! I had a stroke!” out of frustration.

These moments taught me something profound about dignity: it’s not about being perfect in our care, but about acknowledging the humanity in our imperfection. My husband’s frustration wasn’t just about my use of the word “remember”—it was about his right to feel frustrated, to express it, to still be the person who could tell me when I was driving him crazy. That was dignity, too.

We were both learning how to navigate our situation, all the way up until the moment he died. Sometimes we both managed it well, but sometimes one of us managed it better than the other and had to show grace for both of us. Sometimes that was me and sometimes it was him.

My point is that my husband’s dignity remained intact until he died. Dying people are living people.

Now in my hospice work, I see similar dynamics play out. Well-meaning family members or healthcare workers slip into patterns that diminish the dying person’s dignity, often without realizing it. They’ll discuss test results over the person’s bed as if they’re not there, or use that sing-song voice normally reserved for small children and pets. I recognize it because I’ve been there, uncertain about how to act around someone whose capabilities have changed.

But what I learned from my husband serves me well now. When I interact with a hospice patient, I carry with me the understanding that this person, no matter how unresponsive they might appear, is still living their life. They’re still accumulating experiences, still processing emotions, still being themselves. Just as my husband was still himself, even when the stroke changed how he could express it.

I’ve developed what I think of as a dignity practice. I announce myself when I enter and leave a room, speaking directly to the person: “Hi Sandra, it’s Elizabeth, the hospice volunteer.” I ask permission before touching anyone or their belongings. I maintain privacy during personal care, narrating what I’m doing like I would want someone to do for me. These aren’t just polite gestures—they are acknowledgments of personhood.

Sometimes family members look at me strangely when I talk to someone who hasn’t responded in hours or days. One patient’s daughter told me, “I don’t think she can hear you,” and I said, “Sharon, I think maybe you can hear me,” and continued talking to her. Even on his hardest days, my husband was still there, still himself, still deserving of being treated like the capable, complicated person he’d always been.

Dying doesn’t erase personhood—dying distills it to its essence. Just as my husband’s stroke didn’t make him any less the man I married, terminal illness doesn’t make someone less themselves. Our job is to honor who they are until the very end.


Embracing Mediocrity

I usually aim to do the best I can but that does not mean I aim to be the best. Often the best I can do is mediocre, perhaps a C or C+, if anyone is grading. I am a good enough employee, a good enough researcher, a good enough neighbor, a good enough mother. I have a few moments or days here and there where I’m a really great mother or a fantastic professor, but that is not the norm for me.

I don’t say this to denigrate myself or fish for compliments. I’m not looking for anyone to argue with me and tell me no, I’m a fantastic mother and a kickass professor! I’m totally comfortable with my level of performance in these areas. I’m a good enough mother that my children trust me with matters I want to be trusted with. I’m a good enough professor that I don’t worry about students not learning what they need to learn.

One of the lessons grief has taught me is that being good enough is good enough. That sounds simple, but I spent a large chunk of my life aiming to be the best and feeling inadequate. As a recovering perfectionist, when I first started being serious about mediocrity, I wanted to be the best at mediocrity, to hit it hard. I’ve chilled out a lot over the years and learned that the real power of embracing mediocrity is in letting go of standards.

Once I shifted my goal to being good enough, I started feeling much better about myself. The really interesting thing is that my performance didn’t actually change. What changed was where I put my effort. When I stopped worrying about being the best professor, I had more energy left for my family, which made me a better mother and wife. When I stopped worrying about being the best wife ever, I had more energy left for myself, which made me a better wife.

About ten years ago, I started selecting at the beginning of each semester one category of my job to prioritize and allowing myself to be mediocre in the other categories. Some semesters I prioritized teaching, the writing center, service, or scholarship, and then the next semester I would prioritize a different category. Not once did anyone seem to notice that I was performing in a mediocre fashion. The semester I won a service award was a semester that I was not prioritizing service. Several times I’ve been nominated for a mentoring award, and frankly, I have never aimed to be anything but mediocre as a mentor.

When my husband had his stroke, I allowed myself to be mediocre at everything except taking care of him. Again, nobody seemed to notice. People did notice that I was doing less than I used to—serving on fewer committees, for example. But the quality of my work was good enough that nobody commented. My student evaluations remained consistent.

After my husband died, I stopped even aiming for mediocrity. People gave me grace. I gave myself grace. There was a year or so of teaching I don’t remember, but again, my student evaluations remained consistent. I recently heard from a student I had during that time who mentioned, unprompted by me, how he had applied some of what he’d learned in my class since then, and holy moly, he learned exactly what I wanted him to. Despite my exceedingly mediocre performance. Despite the fact that I don’t remember teaching him what he learned.

I have fully embraced mediocrity in most areas of my life now. I still get nominated for awards and occasionally win them. I don’t get nominated as often as I used to, but I don’t do anything I do for the recognition.

What I’ve learned is that allowing myself to be mediocre doesn’t mean I am mediocre. It just means I take the pressure off myself. Many writers know Anne Lamott’s advice to start with a shitty first draft. Removing the pressure to write something wonderful helps many writers get past writer’s block and actually produce something decent.

One of my favorite writing teachers, Diana Goetsch, says that writers should allow themselves to write something that might suck—but it also might smack of genius (she’s quoting someone with the “smack of genius” phrase but I can’t remember who).

By embracing mediocrity, I’ve taken a “shitty first draft” approach to nearly everything I do. I’m astonished at how often what I do ends up sort of smacking of genius. And often it doesn’t smack of genius, and that’s ok because my job in life isn’t to be a genius—it’s to be a good enough human. By just aiming to do the best I can and not to be The Best, I have more time and energy left for what matters.

Befriending Overwhelm

I spend a good part of my time at the intersection of Depression, Anxiety, and Grief. When overwhelm hits, which it often does, and a wave of panic rises up in my chest, I take a deep breath.

I find my Buddhist practice very helpful when I feel that panic. Panic makes me feel like I should be hurrying—doing something, anything, and fast! But Buddhists aren’t known for hurrying. When my impulse is to move fast, I consciously slow down. With each deep breath, my panic subsides a bit until it is manageable. Sometimes I have to go through the process of taking a deep breath and letting my panic subside multiple times in a day or even an hour. It’s ok, I tell myself, take your time.

I was at a conference last week that put me into overwhelm. I was surrounded by brilliant, energetic, competent people and I felt dull, slow, and outdated in their company. Each session I attended left me feeling more overwhelmed by the feeling that I could never perform my job the way they perform theirs.

For me, overwhelm is often quite sneaky and I don’t always recognize it for what it is. I often notice that I feel a heaviness I can’t quite identify for hours or even days before I realize, “Oh, I’m feeling overwhelmed!” Once I label the feeling, I say hello to it. Really—I say out loud, “Hello, Overwhelm, my old friend.” That may seem ridiculous, but greeting it as a friend helps me not react to it with fear.

Then I sit down with it as I would with a friend having a tough time. If possible, I do this over coffee or tea, just as I would with a friend. “What’s going on?” I ask it. Here’s how my conversation with Overwhelm went last week at the conference:

Me: What’s going on?

Overwhelm: Everyone here is doing such amazing things! I’m so far behind—how can I do cool things with antiracism and undergraduate research and STEM support and all the other things I need to do?????? And I’m behind on publishing and . . . It’s a hopeless situation.

Me, speaking to Overwhelm as I would to any friend: Hmmm. I wonder if being at an academic conference is kind of like scrolling through Facebook. Presenters are showing their best work, just as most people on Facebook are showing their best moments. Just as the happy family photos don’t tell the whole story of a person’s daily life, a brilliant conference presentation doesn’t tell the whole story of an academic’s work.

Overwhelm: Huh . . .

By that point, Overwhelm started to lose its energy.

Of course, that wasn’t the end of it. The next day I went to a session where I heard about an amazing and elaborate program that I would love to replicate. Afterwards, I was overwhelmed with thoughts that quickly led me to a downward spiral: I will never be able to replicate the program, but I should try, but I can’t ever do it like she did, I will fail, I suck . . . and I’m behind on email and . . .  So I took a deep breath. And another one. I’ve learned I must regulate my breathing before I can regulate my thoughts. Another deep breath.

“Hello again, Overwhelm,” I said in between deep breaths.

Once I was breathing in a non-panicked way, my thoughts were already a little more manageable. I wrote them all down in a list. All the thoughts went on the list: I’m behind on email, I have a report due in November, if I don’t stain the back fence before it gets cold it will rot away this winter, I will never be able to replicate the program I heard about, I suck . . .  Giving each thought its own line on the list gives it some space. It can exist. It is an ok thought. When all the thoughts were on the list, I gave one breath to each thought, taking the length of one complete breath, an inhale and an exhale, to acknowledge the thought and linger on it. Sometimes that lead to more thoughts, which went on the list.

Sometimes all the thoughts want is a little space to be acknowledged and then I can let them go. The thought that whatever I come up with will never be as great as what this other woman came up with was one I could easily let go of once I gave it a breath. No, what I do won’t be as great as what she did. I’m not in competition with this other person, who is at a different institution in a different state. OK. Good bye, thought.

Other thoughts are useful and become items on my to do list or bucket list. The report due in November and staining the back fence went on my to do list.

Thoughts like “I suck” just want space. I give that thought a breath and then cross it off my list. I know it’s not true in any meaningful way. I used to have to fact check those thoughts—do I suck? I’d ask. And then I’d write down the evidence for and against that verdict. There was always more evidence against the verdict. Now I don’t have to do the actual fact-checking, I just have to remind myself that I’ve held this trial many times before and always the verdict has been, no, you don’t really suck.

Buddhism tells me that any time I want to hang on to a thought, hold it in a tight grip, I should instead open my hand and give it space, let it float away if it wants to. It usually wants to float away. Thoughts that float away sometimes come back, but if I again loosen my grip on them, they float away again. Sometimes they float back and I let them float away several times a day for years and years. It’s ok. I can keep letting them float away. Once I learned how to let them float away, I began to trust that they will float away if/when they return.

Letting the thoughts float away doesn’t “cure” me of my grief, depression, or anxiety. All it does is make the overwhelm go away. And I’ll take that.

Teaching Failure and Recording My Own Failures (scroll down for list of recent failures)

One of my classes this semester focuses on helping peer writing center consultants frame their tutoring experience in job and grad school application materials and interviews. With COVID-19 looming over everything this semester, making job markets and grad school prospects even more uncertain than usual, and my students extremely anxious about the future, I ended up changing the plan for the last class meeting. Normally, students deliver Pecha Kucha talks about how their writing center experience helped prepare them for the future. This semester, that seemed like a fantastical exercise, so we focused on failure instead.

That may sound really grim, but in fact, students and I left class feeling much lighter. Talking about our failures and what we learned from them, admitting that some failures aren’t really learning experiences, and acknowledging failure as a normal part of any person’s life felt very affirming for us.

I’ve been a fan of normalizing failure for years, including failure as a topic in the textbook I co-authored with Amy Braziller and posting on social media about rejections. I’ve had students read and write CVs of failure (also called shadow CVs). But I’ve never gotten around to writing my own CV of failure, and at this point, I’ve had so many failures that I can’t remember them all.

So I’ll do the next best thing. I’ll start recording my failures here today. Expect this page to be updated regularly.

Failures since May 2020

  • 4/29/24: a workshop I proposed for Camp Widow was declined
  • 1/11/24: another memoir essay rejected  by Modern Love
  • 8/1/23: another memoir essay rejected by Missouri Review
  • 6/16/23: memoir essay rejected by Missouri Review
  • 6/10/23: memoir essay rejected by Narrative
  • 6/6/23: memoir essay rejected by Alaska Quarterly Review
  • 4/12/23: memoir essay rejected by The Sun
  • 3/26/23: memoir essay rejected by River Teeth
  • 3/20/23: memoir essay rejected by Southern Humanities Review
  • 2/27/23: memoir essay rejected by Sewanee Review
  • 6/17/22: prose poem rejected by Unbroken
  • 5/6/22: flash memoir piece rejected by Brevity 
  • August 2021: turned in a revision for an edited collection three months late
  • August 2020: turned in a draft for an edited collection three months late
  • July 2020: withdrew piece from an edited collection because I realized I wouldn’t be able to finish it by the deadline after my husband’s stroke
  • June 2020 – May 2022: Did not participate in Naylor Workshop on Undergraduate Research in Writing Studies in 2021 or 2022 and did not present at International Writing Centers Association Conference in 2021.