Elizabeth Kleinfeld, Writer + Guide for Life's Messes

Category: Aging

  • Write Your Damn Will Today

    When my husband died, the last thing I wanted to think about was his will. Grieving is a full-time job. Because Tom had prepared his will years earlier, I was spared one of the most brutal complications that can follow the death of a loved one. I’ve heard other widows describe the nightmare of sorting…

  • “Do You Remember?” Is Not a Kind Question for Folks with Dementia

    After his stroke, my husband had some dementia. He was only 60 and his memory loss was inconsistent, so I thought he was faking it sometimes to avoid being responsible for certain things, like following his physical therapy routine or remembering that we had already discussed that he wouldn’t be able to drive again. I’m…

  • Don’t Inflict Your Toxic Positivity on a Dying Person

    One hospice patient I visit lives with her daughter, Sarah. A visit with this patient is a visit with Sarah, as she almost never leaves her mother’s side. Every time I visit, I see her mother’s decline: her shoulders a little sharper beneath her pajamas (the only clothes she wears now), her cheekbones more prominent,…

  • Honoring Dignity until the End

    I learned after my husband had his stroke how important it is as a caregiver to respect the dignity of the person you are caring for. My husband was still the amazing person I fell in love with—strong-willed, take charge, and unwilling to suffer fools. The challenges he faced after his stroke were often at…

  • “I Am Not a Poor Thing!” How to Talk to a Dying Person

    Last weekend when I visited Margaret, my hospice patient who’s in her late 80s and dying of COPD, she was having a challenging day—she was confused about whether it was day or night, how to use a fork, whether coffee is a drink or a food. I told her a bit about what I had…

  • Use Silence for More Authentic + Vulnerable Conversations

    I visited a hospice patient last week who is slowly detaching from this life. I know from my end-of-life doula training that this is normal. As they get closer to death, people often turn inward, eating less, talking less, seeming less engaged with the world outside themselves. I see this happening with Margaret. When I…

  • Why Getting a Diagnosis Can Be So #^&! Hard

    In my mid-20s, I started having sudden blinding headaches sometimes accompanied by vomiting, confusion, and slurred speech. I also had weirdly intense reactions to familiar smells. I didn’t know if the smell reactions were related to the headaches and I couldn’t figure out what was triggering the headaches. I didn’t have health insurance and couldn’t…

  • How to Have a Conversation with Someone Who Has Dementia

    I’ve recently spent time with two elderly people who have dementia. Shawn is in the early stage, still able to live alone and take care of himself, although he is forgetful enough that he isn’t able to manage his finances and other personal business reliably. Susan is no longer able to live alone, forgetting to…

  • Embracing Aging

    This month I’ll turn 55. I hated birthdays as a child because of family dysfunction, but after my stroke when I was 27, birthdays finally felt meaningful. Making it to 28 did seem like something to celebrate. Now I celebrate all birthdays with gusto—mine as well as those of other people. So much can happen…