The first of a handful of times I saw my stoic late husband cry was when our dog Clark died. Clark was a black lab mix that Tom had rescued a few years before he and I met. Clark was an avid rafter who loved to swim. He was a cocky swimmer—I remember one time he literally swam in circles around a dog who was new to swimming, as if to say, “Look, dummy, it’s not that hard.”
Clark came along on all our early adventures—rafting, of course, but also camping and too many road trips to list. He was a rascal who let my young daughter dress him up in a pink feather boa and cowboy hat because he realized that he’d get an extra long walk if he did, and he didn’t mind wearing that regalia on the walk.
When Clark was diagnosed with lung cancer, I was devastated and sobbed for days, but Tom was stoic. When the time came to relieve Clark of his pain, we were with him, petting him and telling him we loved him through his final breaths. That’s when Tom finally shed the first tears I’d seen from him in the three years we’d been together at that point.
The death of a pet can be heartbreaking and devastating. Losing a loved one, regardless of their species, can turn your world upside down.
Pets are often faithful and trusted companions, offering unconditional love and acceptance. They provide reliable comfort and affection without ever judging or disagreeing with us. Their guileless trust and vulnerability can bring out the best in us. They show us—and share with us—pure joy. They can give our life purpose.
In my work as a sexual assault victim advocate, the people I worked with were more likely to cite pets as providing reliable comfort than humans.
Some folks don’t understand why the death of a pet is so upsetting. Maybe you grew up on a ranch or farm, where people didn’t form emotional attachments to animals. Perhaps you’re not a cat person and you can’t wrap your head around why anyone would mourn the death of a cat. Try substituting “companion” or “loved one” for pet: They lost their companion and loved one.
The loss of a pet is the loss of a significant relationship. Someone who’s pet has died may grieve hard, possibly for the rest of their life.
What can you do when a friend’s pet dies? The same things I hope you would do when a friend’s person dies. Here are some ideas:
- Write a sympathy card.
- Ask your grieving friend to tell you a favorite story about their pet.
- Think carefully before sharing your own story about losing a pet. Sometimes sharing your own grief story can be helpful, but often it is not. The key, in my opinion, is to share your story in order to make the person you are talking to feel seen. If your purpose is anything else, like to make them feel like they shouldn’t be so sad or so sad for so long, then please keep the story to yourself for now.
- Offer help but don’t just say “Let me know how I can help,” which is actually not very helpful. Ask what they need and then help them get it.
- Respect their grief and their grieving process. Don’t tell them to just get another pet and if they plan to immediately get another pet, don’t tell them they shouldn’t unless they’ve asked for your advice. You don’t have to understand their grief or their process to be compassionate.
- Consider making a donation to an animal rescue organization in honor of the pet who died.
And do not, under any circumstances, tell them that losing a pet is “different from losing a ___.” Typically when people say this, what they mean is that losing a pet isn’t as big a deal as losing a ___. This is never ever comforting. Being belittled or having my grief minimized has never made me feel better about anything.
Whether it’s a dog, cat, bird, fish, snake, or other animal that has died, they had a big place in your friend’s heart. Your friend is now trying to figure out how to live the rest of their life without that companionship. Be kind.
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