Elizabeth Kleinfeld, Writer + Guide for Life's Messes

Category: caregiving

  • Honoring Dignity until the End

    I learned after my husband had his stroke how important it is as a caregiver to respect the dignity of the person you are caring for. My husband was still the amazing person I fell in love with—strong-willed, take charge, and unwilling to suffer fools. The challenges he faced after his stroke were often at…

  • Love, Food, and Loss at the End of Life

    Margaret is dying. She’s almost 90 and has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), a condition of the lungs that limits airflow and causes shortness of breath. She’s been on hospice care at home for many months and is ready to die. Usually when I visit her, she has very little appetite. Her children want her…

  • Use Silence for More Authentic + Vulnerable Conversations

    I visited a hospice patient last week who is slowly detaching from this life. I know from my end-of-life doula training that this is normal. As they get closer to death, people often turn inward, eating less, talking less, seeming less engaged with the world outside themselves. I see this happening with Margaret. When I…

  • How to Support Someone Looking for a Diagnosis

    Last week I wrote about why getting a diagnosis can be so difficult: it can be expensive in terms of both money and time, and patients and doctors don’t speak the same language. On top of that, there’s a social cost: someone who is trying to get a diagnosis is often dismissed by friends and…

  • Accepting “I Did the Best I Could” is an ongoing process

    Accepting that I did the best I could when my husband had his stroke is an ongoing process. I often find myself thinking, “yes, I did the best I could,” followed by “my best wasn’t very good,” and then I dwell on that second thought. Of course I would be a better caregiver today than…

  • How to Have a Conversation with Someone Who Has Dementia

    I’ve recently spent time with two elderly people who have dementia. Shawn is in the early stage, still able to live alone and take care of himself, although he is forgetful enough that he isn’t able to manage his finances and other personal business reliably. Susan is no longer able to live alone, forgetting to…

  • How to Talk with Disabled People

    Before his stroke, my husband was the kind of man to walk into a room and instantly own it. People deferred to him because of his confident swagger, his understated confidence, and his uncanny ability to cut through bullshit without shaming the bullshitter. After his stroke, when he used a wheelchair, spoke slowly, and experienced…

  • How to Be with a Dying Person

    It doesn’t have to be complicated. Be patient, with them and yourself. Talk to them or be quiet. Cry or don’t cry.

  • Another Caregiving Stint Brings on Grief Again

    Being my daughter’s caregiver briefly reminded me of how much I loved caregiving for my husband–and made me sad that I couldn’t do better for him.

  • Caregiving as Couples Therapy

    Being my husband’s caregiver gave us both an opportunity to learn better communication skills and develop our compassion, patience, and appreciation.