The holidays are notoriously hard for people who are grieving. Holiday traditions often invoke memories of the person we are missing. Anticipatory grief for someone who is still alive can kick in hard as we remember past holidays with them and ponder future holidays without them. At the same time, the focus on “holiday cheer” can make the sadness of grief feel inappropriate.
This is my third holiday season without my husband. Unlike the past two years, I’ve really enjoyed the holiday celebrations I’ve attended. I’ve been slowly carving out a life for myself that doesn’t include him, which is both heartbreakingly sad and incredibly exciting.
Since my husband died, I’ve mostly just gone through the motions of the holidays. This year I actually feel some holiday spirit. There were glimmers in the past of feeling it, but they were scattered among long stretches of sadness. This year, it’s reversed—a confetti of sadness sprinkled on a mostly celebratory mood.
I am finding ways to make him a part of the holidays:
- This is the first year since his death that I’ve done Christmas decorating. I hung Tom’s stocking with the others over the fireplace. I think I’ll put some donations to his favorite charities in it and I might write him a card that will go in it.
- After a Hanukkah dinner hiatus that began with the pandemic in 2020, I hosted a big Hanukkah dinner this year. Nearly everyone at the dinner had known Tom and we shared stories of his enthusiasm for fried food.
- His son and I are maintaining Tom’s tradition of giving out Starbucks gift cards to employees we encounter working on the holidays.
Making him part of the holidays doesn’t mean I don’t miss him as much as I used to. I never don’t miss him. The life I’m creating is wonderful and I wish he were here to be part of it. While I’m doing well and very happy, I still miss my husband like crazy. I will never let an opportunity to talk about him slide and I am grateful every time someone asks me about him.
At one of the holiday parties I went to, someone asked me about Tom, and I, in turn, asked another guest about her daughter who had recently died. It’s such a relief to be able to talk openly about a dead loved one. This is always true for me, but I find it particularly true during this time of year when the holiday hubbub can become overwhelming.
People don’t ask about my husband as often as they used to. I figure that’s partly because his death is no longer the first thing people think of when they think of me and partly because I am creating a wonderful life for myself and folks may think that means I don’t want to be reminded of him.
But no one has to remind me of him. He is always on my mind in some way. In the 2 ½ years since he died, I’ve never been upset that someone brought up my husband. Not once. And if that day hypothetically comes, I can simply say, “I’m not up for that conversation today.”
As you go about your holiday season, I hope you will check in with loved ones who are grieving. Acknowledge their loss and invite them to share a story, memory, or wish. Thank them for whatever they choose to share with you.
It doesn’t matter how long their person has been gone. As Michele Neff Hernandez, the founder of Soaring Spirits International, says, we grieve our people for as long as they are dead.