grieving

How to Deliver the News of a Death

When my husband died, I was lucky to be surrounded by his brother, son, and mother, plus my daughter. But there were many other people who needed to be told of his death, including friends, neighbors, relatives, and co-workers. The thought of sharing this very sad news with people who I knew would be surprised and devastated by it was daunting.

I don’t even remember the first few calls I made, which were to my sister and some close friends. I imagine I was incoherent. The first call I actually remember making was to an old friend of his who was a rafter. She asked me what I needed and cried with me, and then she offered to tell other folks from that friend circle.

It was an incredible relief and helped me quickly realize that the task of delivering the news of a death can be easily delegated. Delivering such sad news is tough and dividing the task among several different people really helps. It also provides a buffer between you and the people receiving the news.

That buffer is important because nearly everyone beyond immediate family and close friends asked me two questions: what happened? and how was I doing? There is nothing wrong with the questions, but I didn’t know how to answer either one. I didn’t quite know what had happened and I didn’t quite know how I was doing. I appreciated being asked but I had no idea how to answer. When other people are delivering the news, you are spared those questions.

The other reason a buffer was nice is that often the people receiving the news were upset and I felt the need to comfort them—but I was distraught myself. Every bit of energy I  put toward them was energy I needed for myself. When other people who had more distance from Tom delivered the news, they could do some comforting without causing themselves more suffering.

I understand why people asked what happened. My husband had gone in for surgery and when his doctor spoke to me afterward, he told me the surgery went well—an update I conveyed on our CaringBridge site. At that point, it looked like his recovery from the surgery would be completely normal. By the end of the day, it had become apparent that he wasn’t going to wake up, and I made the decision with his family to remove him from life support. People had questions about why he didn’t wake up, what exactly the doctors had said, and more. It was difficult to be asked those questions over and over. I would get off the phone after being peppered with questions and then have to start the process over with the next call.

Even when I told people “I don’t know what happened. I have a lot of questions, too,” they persisted. Several people encouraged me to get a lawyer, to demand an investigation at the hospital, to sue the doctors. I hated those conversations the most. I knew people were trying to be helpful. They didn’t understand why Tom had died and wanted answers. I didn’t understand why he had died, either, but I knew he was dead and a lawsuit wouldn’t bring him back. I told people who pressed this issue, “I can’t think about that right now.”

The vast majority of people were very kind. Nearly everyone expressed love for Tom, concern for me, and asked how they could help. I wasn’t yet organized enough to know what I needed, so I asked people to toast Tom, to make donations to charities he supported, or to contact specific other people.

Based on my experience, here’s my advice for anyone who needs to deliver the news of a death:

  1. Delegate as much as you can to others who aren’t as impacted by the death as you are. Give folks you’ve delegated to a list of facts or pieces of information to convey, such as the cause of death, details about any memorial that is already planned, or what you could use help with.
  2. Pace yourself and prepare yourself. Each call will take something out of you. I found it helpful to have one or both of my dogs nearby to pet while I was on the phone, as well as having tissues, a glass of water, and some paper and a writing implement within reach.
  3. Be ready to answer the question of what people can do to help.
  4. Put yourself first. If you need to cut a call short because you are too upset, it’s ok to say, “I’m so sorry, but I need to cut this short” and hang up. I said that many times to people who wanted me to sue.
  5. Decide in advance how you will answer questions you don’t want to be asked so that if those questions are asked, you’ll have a handy script. For example, a few people asked me if we had life insurance on Tom and when I gave a vague answer they pressed for more detail. After the first instance of this, I decided to assume they had good intentions and answer by saying, “I know you’re only asking out of concern for me, and I want you to know I’ll be fine.” No one has had the nerve to say, “Actually, I’m just super nosy and want to know how much you got.”