I find funerals and memorial events very comforting these days, but that was not always the case. I hated my mother’s funeral and those of my grandparents and other older relatives who died when I was a teenager and young adult. They seemed to me to be very uptight affairs, depressing, and overly long.
As I got older and no longer had an adult telling me I had to attend, I would worry about whether I should be attending, was I wearing the right clothes, did I say the right thing, and so much more. My view of funerals changed when I was in my early 30s and attended a very formal Catholic funeral for a colleague. As I was looking around, feeling very uncomfortable amidst the Catholicism, thinking I had dressed all wrong and probably shouldn’t even be there, my colleague’s sister approached me and asked how I had known her sister.
“I’m so glad you’re here!” she said when she found out I was a colleague. After hugging me, she asked me to tell her what her sister was like to work with. After I shared a story, I asked what her sister was like as a sibling, and the sister excitedly told me about some teenaged shenanigans the two had engaged in. When I left, I got another hug and a heartfelt, “Thank you for being here.”
That’s how I learned that funerals serve two important purposes that have nothing at all to do with religion or whether you’re wearing the right thing: they offer comfort to the loved ones of the person who died, and they provide other people who attend an opportunity to learn more about the person who died.
That realization helped me let go of my worries about whether I should attend funerals and memorials—if it fits into my schedule, I go. I figure if I can offer comfort and show interest and curiosity about the person who died, I’ll be welcomed, and that has always been the case.
I used to wonder if I knew the person who died well enough for it to be appropriate for me to attend. Now I understand that knowing the person who died isn’t even a requirement and I have attended many events for people I didn’t know to show my love and support for their loved ones. When a colleague’s child who I had never met died, I went to the funeral. When an acquaintance’s partner who I had never met died, I attended the memorial.
When my husband died, I wanted as many people at the celebration of life as possible. I was eager to hear stories about him that I might not have heard before and hear other versions of the stories I had heard. Several people showed up who had not known my husband but wanted to show their support for me, and I was incredibly grateful for their presence.
There may still be times when it’s best not to attend. If you are concerned that your own well-being will suffer, stay home. If your presence could cause some drama, stay home. If it is simply impossible for you to either offer comfort or show interest in the person who died, stay home.
If you go
What to wear: Events in churches and religious spaces are usually more on the conservative side, so I usually wear something fairly plain, dark, and professional-looking. Events held elsewhere are often more casual. Sometimes the invitation or announcement will mention a theme or dress code. For example, for my husband’s celebration of life, I included in the invitation that folks should wear whatever they thought Tom would most appreciate. This clued people in that the event wasn’t very serious—and folks showed up in wonderful outfits that he very much would have appreciated. I wore a short skirt, a cousin wore a pastel tuxedo jacket, many friends wore camping/rafting clothes or tie-dye.
Food and drink: If the invitation doesn’t mention food being served, assume there won’t be food. If alcohol is served, drink lightly. I did serve alcohol at my husband’s memorial event and needed to arrange rides home for a guest or two, which I would have preferred not to have to do.
What to say: It’s ok to not know what to say; genuine and authentic words of concern are better than platitudes. You don’t have to fix anything; in fact, it may be more important to hold space for people.
If you don’t go
Send a text the day of the event expressing your wishes for an event full of love (or whatever feels appropriate to you). There’s no need to explain why you won’t be there; you can simply say you’re sorry to miss it.
You must be logged in to post a comment.