From the moment my husband’s stroke started, I had to make decisions for him: call 9-1-1, consent to him being transported to another hospital from the original one the ambulance took him to, authorize surgery to remove part of his skull to allow his brain to swell without causing more damage to his brain, and on and on. When he didn’t wake up after his final surgery, a year after the stroke, I had to make the decision to remove him from life support. After that, decisions had to be made about cremation and a celebration of life.
As difficult as all of this was, it would have been significantly more awful if Tom and I had not talked at length before I had to make those decisions about what we each wanted in the event that we couldn’t make our own decisions. We had wills and advance directives drawn up years before we needed them. The advance directive allowed me to make medical decisions for him; the talks about what we wanted allowed me to know with confidence when to say yes to care and when to decline it; and the will allowed me to respect his final wishes in terms of who got what and what kind of memorial service he would have wanted.
You may know that you need to have a will and advance directive, but you may not know how to get started on them, or you may worry that hiring a lawyer to do them will be too expensive. You may not know who to designate to make decisions for you in an advance directive. You may not be sure who to have the conversation with about your final wishes.
That last question may be the toughest because not only do you need to decide who to talk to, you also need to think through what you want and who might be making decisions for you. That’s a lot. You may not want to think about those things, and I get that. It may help to frame it in terms of making things easier for others. When you are able to specify what you want and share that with loved ones, you’re making their lives easier because in the event that they need to make decisions for you, they won’t have to guess at what you would want, which can lead to guilt and regret.
To help you think through what you want, I highly recommend the Five Wishes guide to end of life care. Not only is the guide set up to walk you through the difficult questions, once you complete it, you will actually have a legal advance directive—no lawyer required. A hard copy version is $5 and a digital version is $15.
As far as who you designate to make decisions for you, most people select a significant other, a sibling, or an adult child. You’re not limited to those, however, so you could choose a friend, a spiritual advisor, or someone else. Talk to that person about what you want and answer any questions they have.
If you anticipate that friends or family may object to decisions the designated person makes, it’s ideal to talk to those folks and assure them that the designated person knows what you want. If that isn’t possible, the next best option might be to tell the designated person what kinds of objections to expect.
When it comes to writing up a will, if you have a simple estate, no minor children, and don’t anticipate people contesting your will, you don’t need a lawyer. Laws differ from state to state, but in Colorado (where I live), a will is considered legal and binding as long as two witnesses have signed it OR you’ve had it notarized. This website will walk you through the process.
The #1 most important thing is to have these conversations and make these documents BEFORE THERE IS A NEED FOR THEM.
